Monogamy

Monogamy has been something that's been on my mind a lot over the past year or so.  I suppose, as I've left Christianity I've found so many of my moral views changing.  For example, I was raised to think that homosexuality was bad but now I fully embrace it.  I was raised to think that sex before marriage was bad, but now I think that it's preferable to go in that order.

Well, monogamy is another one that I've been thinking of a lot.  The way I loosely define morality, for me, is whether something hurts someone else.  Murder is bad because it hurts another person.  Theft and rape are wrong for the same reason.  But polyamory is more complicated than that.  If a couple is in a relationship and both parties feel that it should be a committed, monogamous relationship, then one person cheating on the other certainly can be hurtful, and thus I feel is wrong.

However, the act of having sex itself doesn't really hurt anyone.  It is the betrayal of trust or the feeling of jealousy at finding out that is hurtful.  But in the act of sex, no one is hurt.

My man and I have talked many times about having an open relationship.  He has told me that he doesn't want to be sexually involved with anyone but me.  He doesn't even like cuddling with anyone else but me.  But at the same time, he has said that he's okay with me doing what I want with my own body, as long as I'm safe.

I don't know how I feel about this.  I always thought that personally I am a monogamous person, that I only want one partner and that is enough for me.  But now I'm not so sure.

The other day, I met up with a friend and we cuddled and stuff.  I loved it.  It was lots of fun.  And today I met up with another friend and we fooled around with each other.  My boyfriend knows about this.  I'm very open with him and tell him beforehand any plans I have and if something unplanned happens, I tell him after the fact, but as soon as possible.  I'm not keeping secrets from him, I'm not betraying any trust, and I don't feel that I'm pressuring him into allowing me to have my sexual freedom.  I have asked him repeatedly if he's okay with it and he says he is.

I think, for me, the thing is I just don't know what I want.  I love my man, but I like lots of other kinds of guys too.  I love skinny guys, tall guys, short guys, fat guys, buff guys, hairless guys, hairy guys.  All types.  Yes, there are guys that I find attractive and other guys that I find unattractive, but I don't have one specific "type".  I like a wide variety of guys.  And maybe that's one reason for my confusion.  The one guy I met up with the other day is rather thin, and the other guy I met up with has a nice belly coming along.  I enjoyed both encounters.

So, I think that we are officially in an open relationship.  I want to be careful, and I want to be safe, but I also want to explore some of my sexual feelings with other men.