Ambivalence

The last day and half has been one of transformation for me, so I wanted to write about it.

Really, this goes back to December 2012.  I had hit a plateau at 280 pounds.  No matter how much I ate, I couldn't gain at all.  I got frustrated.  Also, I was tired of feeling stuffed all the time.  And I was having serious concerns about my ballooning belly.  I thought for health reasons I should lose weight.  So I did.  I dropped down to 260.  I thought about thinning down even more.  Getting a chiseled muscle body.

during the last several months I have struggled.  Back and forth back and forth.  Should I gain? Should I lose?  What should I do with my body?  In my personal experience, many gainers face this dilemma.  So I wanted to talk about it.

I think one reason why I'm not sure whether to gain or lose is the image that society expects us to have. There is one specific body shape and appearance which is considered "attractive" and everything else is ugly.  Slender is cute.  Fat is ugly.  And so many of us gainers feel this social pressure.  Maybe I will be more loved if I am skinnier, if I am more like the image society wants.  Maybe it will be easier for me to get laid if I'm thin.  Maybe people will like me more.

Of course, there are also health reasons.  Diabetes.  Heart problems.  High blood pressure.  Back pain.  Lots of health risks associated with obesity. For me personally, this is the biggest issue.  I don't want to get Type II diabetes.  I don't want to die from a heart attack.  I don't want to be (overall) unhealthy.  Of course, this is all personal.  I understand some gainers don't mind these health risks, and some even welcome them.  And that's fine.  There's nothing wrong with that.

For me, there was also the worry of "What if I can never go back?"  I mean, what if at some point in the future, I want to be thin again but simply can't lose weight because I've become immobile or because I simply can't stop eating?  Or my metabolism is so slow that losing weight is next to impossible?  Being able to undo what I've done, just in case I regret it sometime in the future, may be something to be concerned about.

But my mind has been made up.  I know what I want to do.  And it's not because of other people.  It's not because of social pressure.  It's not because of vanity.  It's not because of unconcern for health risks.  It's because I know that deep down inside, it is what I truly want.  I have an innate desire to be fat and to love other fat men.  And that is what I intend to do.  I will gain weight to the point where I finally feel sufficiently fat (if that day never comes, then I suppose I shall continue gaining forever).

I want to continue to exercise, to help keep my heart healthy.  But I don't want to lift big weights and have really huge muscles.  I think muscly guys are really hot, but that's not for me personally.  I just want to remain relatively healthy but to be really fat.

I currently weigh about 270 pounds.  I want to be 300 pounds.  When I get there, I may well want to gain even more.  And if so, I will set a higher goal.  But I know that this is what I want.  I have always known it.  Ever since I was little, I have loved fat people, and the idea of me getting fat.

Why did this transformation happen?  Because of the conversations I've had with people on Grommr over the last day and a half.  When I started having these conversations, I was unsure.  I told people that I didn't know if I wanted to gain or to lose.  I thought about slimming down.  The thought of being slim is appealing.  But, as I continued to have these conversations, I realized more and more that I really, truly want to be fat.  I chatted with a few encouragers, who did a great job persuading me to gain again.  I talked to several other gainers and got really excited about their goals to gain weight.

I browsed through so many photos on the site, of really big guys, and I jacked off half a dozen times.  Seeing those pics, talking about gaining weight, it all made me so horny.  So, then it's really just social pressure, right?  It's the encouragers telling me to gain and the gainers exciting me, right?  No.  I know that's not the case.  Because if I weren't a gainer, none of that kind of talk would arouse me.  None of it would give me an erection.  None of it would drive me absolutely wild with sexual excitement.  But all of that talk did excite me.  I've probably pumped thousands of gallons of blood into my penis over the last 36 hours just because I was talking to other big guys, talking about being big, looking at pics of being big, and imagining myself growing bigger and bigger.

I will gain.  There is no question in my mind.  I want to be bigger.  How big, I don't know.  But I will reach 300 pounds.  I will stuff my face full of food until I get there.  I will grow bigger and fatter.  Softer and pudgier.  I will be rounder.  And I will be excited all along the way.  I feel so wonderful about this decision.  I feel so aroused by this decision.  I love myself, and I love the fact that I want to be fat.  And I will do it.