Always a gainer

I cannot deny that I am a gainer.  I have gone up and down in weight a lot over the last few years.  When I first encountered the gainer community online was when I really started gaining seriously and intentionally.  I went from 180 to 230 fairly quickly.  I went up and down a lot, eventually peaking around 280-290.  When I was that weight I got diabetes, and because of that I decided to lose.  I got down to 200.  I thought I would never gain again because of the condition.

But this year I have started gaining again.  I gained up to 230 in just two months of getting down to 200.  I peaked at 240, and since then I've been bouncing back and forth between about 230 and 240.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know whether I should gain, lose, or maintain.  And I'm writing this post in the hopes that it can help other people in the community sort through their feelings or at least be able to identify with someone and realize they're not the only one who feels this way.

I cannot deny that I'm a gainer.  I get turned on by the thought of consuming vast quantities of calories.  When I was driving back to my office after the gym today I got hard thinking about stopping at Burger King and getting some chicken nuggets.  I enjoy thinking about "sneaking food" or "being unable to resist tasty food".  I enjoy thinking about my body blimping up to ridiculously enormous and globular sizes.  I get excited thinking about a dominant feeder forcing, coercing, or persuading me to gain weight.  So many facets of gaining turn me on and I cannot deny that.

I also cannot deny that there are inhibitions.  There are things which hold me back from letting go.  I have insecurities, I have fears and doubts.  I worry about diabetes being an issue again (for over a year now I've been off medication and controlling it just with diet and exercise).  I don't like buying new clothes and honestly can't afford to.

So I'm writing a list of all the things I can think of which are pros and cons of gaining.  I may add to this list later, but these are the things I've thought of so far.

Pros:

1. I get turned on by eating.  Being full, putting food in my mouth, etc.  I like counting calories and seeing the big numbers.
2. I get turned on by fat--on my own body as well as on other guys.  I am aroused when my shirt is too tight or when my ass is squeezed into my pants.
3. I like playing with my fat.  It's fun to grab, squeeze, and jiggle.
4. I enjoy being controlled in some ways (not in all ways, see below).  I like it when a guy persuades me to eat big or get fat.
5. I like how I look fat.  I think I'm sexy with a belly.  I think my face is cute when it's pudgy and round.  I like how my shirts look on me when I fill them out fully.
6. I like the attention from fellow gainers and from feeders that I get when I'm fat or when I overeat.

Cons:

1. I'm worried about my health.  I don't want to have problems with heart disease or diabetes or other obesity-related problems.
2. I like the clothes I fit in now.  I've spent lots of money on them, and many of them were gifts that other people spent lots of money on in my behalf.  I don't really have money to buy lots of new clothes if I outgrow the ones I currently wear.
3. I worry about what other people will think.  I consider judgments from my students, my co-workers, my employers, my family and friends, and my sexual partners.  (Fortunately, my husband is supportive no matter what size I am.)
4. I get discouraged thinking that I'm unable to exercise enough willpower to slim down, sad that I can't stick to a diet/exercise routine to lose weight.
5. I have regrets, thinking what if I had never got fat and instead got a ripped, muscular lean body instead.  How would my life have been different?  That includes things such as healthy, self-image, and sex life.
6. I worry about mobility.  Not just the question of whether I'm mobile or immobile, but degrees of mobility.  Is it hard to walk up stairs?  Is it hard to tie my own shoe?  Many gainers are turned on by these kinds of reduced mobility, but I am scared of them.  I enjoy feeling spry.  
7. I like being in control of my life.  I don't like people simply bossing me about or nagging me.  I don't like people acting like they know better than I do what I should do with my life.  

This is all very complicated, at least in my head.  For example, I can see how it would be confusing what I've said about being controlled.  I like being controlled but I also like having control.  Maybe it's certain moods I get in, maybe it's specific types of control.  I never like it when someone tries to coerce me.  That just makes me want to rebel and hate the guy who's trying to control me.  But when a guy persuades me or encourages me to do something he wants me to do, it can be very erotic to me--when a guy coaxes me.  

Anyway, it's a daily struggle for me.  In fact, most days I have mood swings throughout the day where one minute I'm really excited about becoming a blimp and the next I'm eager to become lean and ripped.  I like both.  I like being thin, I like being fat.  It's not just as simple as a struggle between my penis (gaining) and my brain (losing).  I say that because I get turned on by fantasizing about having a lean muscular build.

But that is why I say I am always a gainer.  When I'm honest with myself, I know that gaining turns me on.  I just acknowledge other forces in my life aside from sexual pleasure/desire that drive me, and those forces often deter me from gaining.  Thus, I am always a gainer, but not always gaining.