Conundrum

A month ago, I posted my feelings about gaining.  I think some of my feelings have changed.  I currently don't know exactly what I want, which is difficult for me.  I grew up Mormon.  Everything was always dictated.  I knew I'd start BYU when I turned 18 and become a missionary when I was 19, then come home 2 years later and marry a woman and start raising a family.  Basically my whole life was planned, and I liked that.  Then I eventually left the church and now I get to choose my own life and sometimes it's difficult and scary.

Well, I don't know what I want.  I love working out at the gym and getting stronger, so I'm pretty sure I want to keep that up. I'm in a routine now and it's easy to get myself motivated enough to go regularly.  I'd love to have big muscles and be really strong.  So I think that will be in my future, at least.

As far as fat goes, I'm not certain.  In the fall of 2013 I was diagnosed with diabetes and from that moment I decided to lose weight.  I was 285 and I lost all the way down to about 197 just a week ago.  It was exciting seeing my body slim down, but most of all I was relieved to manage my diabetes well to the point where I don't even need to take any medication for it anymore.  I just control it with diet and exercise.

While I was losing weight, I always imagined myself becoming lean and getting a six pack.  I've been thin and I've been chubby, but I've never had a chiseled body and I felt like it would be sexy to work toward that, so that was my goal for a while.  And that's when I started working out at the gym regularly.  I kept losing weight and felt great, but was always frustrated by the fact that I had belly fat--even if just a little bit.  As thin as I am now, I still have a soft layer of fat covering my abs.  And this bothered me.

But this last week I feel like something has changed.  I think the flame of interest in gaining has been rekindled in me.  I've chatted with some encouragers and I like being encouraged.  I've started thinking about getting a belly again and the thought really turns me on.  I like it when guys tell me they want me fatter, and how fat they want to make me.  These are all very erotic things and I'm even getting hard right now thinking about it and typing it.

So I talked to my boyfriend about it.  He said he's supportive whatever I decide to do.  He helped me process some of my emotions.  I'm very grateful to have him in my life and help me through feelings like this.  I do know that health is very important to me and whatever I do, I won't compromise a relapse of diabetes.  I don't want that to come back and be a medical concern for me.  So I'm going to limit the carbs I eat and not gain rapidly, no matter what I do.  I also won't get hugely obese, even if I may enjoy a guy talking to me about making me hugely obese.

These last two or three days I've been eating more than usual and it's been very erotic.  A couple months ago, I stuffed myself every once in a while when I was really horny and it was great, and I've found that I have enjoyed that these last couple days as well.  So I might gain a bit from that.

I don't think I'm ready to go ahead and say that I want to become fat, but I am definitely considering the idea of growing some of my belly fat back.  As I said earlier, I'll still work out and build muscle, and I'll still control my diet enough to prevent the diabetes flaring up again.  But I think that if I'm honest with myself, I do identify as a gainer.  I get turned on by thinking about gaining weight.  I get turned on by guys talking me into getting bigger.  It's very erotic for me.  So that's where I stand right now.  We'll see what comes of it.