Feelings of grandness

I gained up to 285 pounds.  It was fun.  I enjoyed the journey.  I enjoyed seeing extra fat on me.  I enjoyed feeling it.  I enjoyed fitting bigger clothes.  There was so much that I enjoyed about being big.  I lost weight when I got diabetes.  I'm currently 205.  I love being smaller again.  I love being physically active.  I love jogging and lifting weights.  I love being more flexible and mobile.  I feel more energetic.

There are so many things that I like about having lost weight.  My improved health is primary among them.  I like feeling healthy.  I like being healthy.  I like thinking that my life will be extended because of the lifestyle choices I've made.  I have found that I can be truly happy with a small body or a big body.  I didn't feel more or less authentic when I was big, and I don't now.  In other words, I do not feel that being a gainer is a big part of my identity.

In contrast, I have spoken with other gainers who have asserted that they feel that being a gainer is a big part of their identity.  They feel unhappy being thin, or they feel happier when they are fat.  They crave more.  They want more.  And I think they should go for it.  Do what makes you happy.  If that means being enormous, by all means become enormous.  If that means having a six pack, by all means get a six pack.  Personally I feel like I could be happy either way.  I've been fat and that was fun.  Now I'm working on being muscular and I haven't achieved the goal yet, but the journey has been fun and it's been rewarding to see results along the way.

That being said, I want to disclose some feelings I've had related to gaining.  There are moments when I fantasize about being fat again.  These may take many different forms.  Typically they involve a loss of control.  Perhaps this is because I have always felt in control of my body.  When I got fat, it was on purpose.  I actively stuffed myself as much as possible to grow bigger.  When I lost weight, it was on purpose.  I dieted and exercised and the pounds melted away.  So losing control of my body has a certain titillating appeal.

My fantasies take on similar but slightly different scenarios.  One example is that I simply start growing for no reason.  Perhaps I've been cursed or something.  Maybe I gain a pound of fat every day for a month or a year.  Maybe I grow very rapidly, so I can see the change happen.  But those are actually fairly rare.  Most commonly, I fantasize about being forced to eat.  I fantasize about a dominant feeder dictating what I must eat, or forcing the food in me.  These thoughts really turn me on.

I share these feelings because I believe there may be other people like me and I want them to know they're not alone.  I share these feelings because I want people to know that it's okay.  It's okay to have those feelings.  It's okay to live out those feelings, if that's what you want.  If you want to find a dominant feeder, there are plenty of them out there.  I know I would enjoy being a dominant feeder.  It's also okay if you have those feelings but don't want to live them out.

I don't think I would actually enjoy living that fantasy out.  I think that I would have too many health problems and I would grow to resent the feeder who was forcing me to eat.  I believe I would be belligerent and defiant at times.  I would dislike being stuffed all the time.  I would miss having control of my body.  There are many reasons I have for not going through with it.  But, I still have those feelings.  I still get hard thinking about growing uncontrollably fat, particularly being forced to get fat.  I think it's acceptable to admit there are ideas that I find erotic that I wouldn't actually do.