My relationship with gaining has been an unsteady one. There have been highs and lows. There has been excitement and anxiety. There has been confidence and insecurity. I feel now as though that relationship has come to an end. Gaining and I have parted ways. It was not an ugly break up. It wasn't angry or intense. It was more that we just fell out of love with each other.
I have lost weight since I first noticed that I had the diabetes symptoms. I am now on a healthy diet, with lots of fresh vegetables, nuts, beans, white meats, and so forth. It is not a strict diet. Sometimes I do eat red meat. Sometimes I eat fast food. But not regularly. It is not an unpleasant diet. I eat the foods that I enjoy eating. I do not feel that I need to deny myself of anything that I love to eat. In fact, it was the other way around. While I was gaining, I felt like I needed to eat foods I didn't like just so I could get fat. I have enjoyed losing the weight that I've lost. I'm down to 245, from my high of 280 in July. I know that I will go even lower, and am excited about it.
I have more energy now than I did before. I feel like it's easier to get around, even just to get in and out of bed. It was never really that difficult to get out of bed, it's just that it's much easier now. And I enjoy that. I feel healthier. I'm keeping my blood sugar level in a normal range.
As I have made these changes in my life, I have felt my love of gaining dwindle. My desire to be fat was once so strong that I thought about it all the time and loved chatting with encouragers who would push me to eat as much as possible. Now that desire has all but disappeared. I can't say it's entirely gone.
The other day on Grommr, a guy followed me. I looked at his profile and he's a hardcore encourager. I noticed that shortly after he followed me he unfollowed me. I didn't ask him, but what I believe happened was that he followed me when he saw my pic, which is a chubby me. Then when he read my profile and saw that I was no longer a gainer, he unfollowed me. That hurt. As I was reading his profile and seeing how excited he got about feeding guys really big, I got excited and thought that was hot. But I knew that I could not be the type of gainer that he was looking for. It was a melancholy nostalgia, in a way, thinking back to when I was an avid gainer and would have loved to have him encourage me. But that time is over. It was sad. Yet at the same time, I am happy with where I am now.
Sometimes I think back to when I was about this weight before, as I was climbing my way up in weight. I think about the money I could have saved if I didn't gain all that weight. I think of the effort I could have saved if I didn't gain it all then then try to lose it now. But do I have regrets? Not really. I enjoyed the time I spent gaining. I loved the process of gaining itself, and I also loved watching my body swell up and playing with my fat. I loved the attention I got on Grommr. I loved so many things about it, and I am glad to have had that experience in my life. I do not wish to take it back.
I am now an avid encourager and feeder. Am I living vicariously through guys who are getting fat when I can't/won't do it myself? Perhaps there's some truth to that. But I genuinely do enjoy making other guys fat, and always have enjoyed it. I feel like feeding someone is an expression of affection. Giving someone copious amounts of food is a way of saying "I love you" (not necessarily in the romantic sense).
Some people still talk to me about feeding me or fantasize about me getting fat. I used to enjoy that a lot. Now, it doesn't really do anything for me. I don't mind it. I think the idea of me being really huge isn't a bad idea. It's kind of a fun idea. But I just don't get turned on by it the way I used to. And, honestly, there are some guys that I would love to have the experience of having them feed me. But not in a "feed me until I'm fat" setting. Just a "feed me because it's really sexy" setting.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please be civil and polite.